everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
