Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
