This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
