dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
