i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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