The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
