I think I won the penis lottery.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Holy sore nipples Batman
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
