the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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