I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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