how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
