I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
