I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
