the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
