Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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