Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
