Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
