I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
