the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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