We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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