Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
