I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
