Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
