If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
