I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
