Plan B is the new Plan A
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Randomize
