it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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