so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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