Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
