We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
