can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
