I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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