I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize