i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
