he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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