My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
