Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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