You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
