What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
