ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
