You don't have asthma, your pregnant
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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