OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
