She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize