Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
