Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
