it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I will pee on everything he values.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
