u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
