My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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