We're like a lot better than the average bears
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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