He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
