Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
