Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
