Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I want a musical about memes.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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