My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize