i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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