The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
this just has baby written all over it
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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