i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize