If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
