i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
