Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
