Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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