mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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