Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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